Every holiday season a half dozen comics, who could only have a home cooked meal if their left over diner food burned in a house fire, would wake up before sunset and travel to New Jersey for a holiday dinner at my parent’s house. Several of the comics you may not have heard of unless you’ve read my memoir, Standup Guys: A Generation of Laughs, in hardcover, softcover and ebooks; a wonderful holiday read full of passion and warmth that… Ok I’m pulling a Gilbert Gottfried, here and doing a shameless plug. I once did an interview with Gilbert for a magazine.
Today for the very first time I woke up unable to avoid my deep feelings about having no deep feelings. Why now I asked myself? When did this shallowness suddenly have enough depth to actually have a surface to break through, I remarked to myself (who I was oddly paying attention to)? And then it hit me that I had been waken by the thought that my life had no order, no meaning, no value and most importantly no coffee! What, no coffee! No java! No Cup of Jolt! No morning Joe! Nothing to give my heart a reason for beating! Caffeine jitters were as close I was ever going to get to a meaningful emotion. How could I let things get this low? Was this a sign of the apocalypse?!
"Kate Smith's Middle America"
It’s the holiday season when we tend to stretch our eating limits and the tinsel strength of our clothes. If you want to curb your appetite and prevent yourself from having a shadow that’s heavy enough to open the supermarket’s automatic door take a trip to the Midwest and look at the humans clogging up our heartland. I just got back from working in Minnesota and I couldn’t believe how rotund the people are. Showing skin in Middle America means you burst a seam in your stretch pants. I’m pretty sure the lyric “Purple Mountain’s majesty” was not meant to be about someone in a lavender sweat suit. They don’t even try to wear colors that are thinning or at least blended. Let’s face it; the only way iridescent red blends in is if you’re standing in front of a fire.
A couple of years ago Larry David told me he wasn’t going to do another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I’m not an actor by any stretch of the imagination. I regret having to say that in my third grade play I was booed by my parents.