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The liquid cocaine is on me baby

Sometimes something is so bad it’s good. Sex can probably never be that thing but an open mic comedy show most certainly can. For example, this open mic show I’m about to tell you about. The show took place in Westminster, MD. Westminster is to comedy what Nashville is to Hip Hop or what country line dancing is to making someone desirable. I knew the show would be an absolute train wreck but I was going with some of my best comedy buddies so I knew it would at least be an entertaining train wreck. The show did not disappoint.
The show begins with the always promising fifteen crowd members to seven comic’s ratio. As the few first few comics go up, it becomes painfully obvious that this is going to be a crowd-work-only night, meaning straight material isn’t going to get a response. You’re going to have to talk to the crowd to get anything out of these people. I laugh to myself as I see my extremely funny friend and Westminster open mic first-timer Jon Mumma writing up a set list. A set list at this dump? I’m sure Jon had written down a bunch of bits that are funny and that he’s done before and a few new bits, but in my mind, his set list read:
1. Joke that always kills that will induce silence and awkward stares.
2. Smart and funny observation that will lose them at “smart.”
3. Bit that won him the DC Improv contest but here, will walk a table of six.
4. New joke that would eventually kill in a real club but, because it bombs so hard here, Jon will lose all confidence in it causing him to prematurely retire this made-for-Letterman gem.
5. No matter how funny this joke is, it will be interrupted with a chorus of “Fag!” from random frat guys.
6. I think you see my point. Save the set list for a real show.
The show is wrapping up with just Jon left to be slaughtered. Jon goes up with his trusty set list and in front of twenty people who haven’t laughed all night, does an hour, one whole hour of sometimes brilliant, sometimes ridiculous, sometimes offensive and then sometimes brilliant again comedy. His set list? Not once was it used except as a coaster for one of the ten shots that were bought for him. Jon isn’t a big drinker and he’s not a dirty comic but that night he was both. I watched him and thought wow… he’s morphed into me, a dirty foul-mouthed drunk. God bless him. Jon did exactly what you had to do that night and that was crowd work. He talked and messed with the crowd and he did it well. So well, that one guy (who looked like an old Stone Cold Steve Austin so we called him Stone Old Steve Austin) kept buying Jon shot after shot. And not the same shot, all different shots with various degrees of unpleasantness. It was a decathlon of bad drinking decisions. At one point, Stone Old bought Jon this shot called Liquid Cocaine. Liquid Cocaine is a disgusting shot consisting of Bacardi 151, Goldschlager and Jagermeister. Its three things that are tough to take separately and when put together make you vomit. If Liquid Cocaine were a TV show it would be ‘The View’. But Jon’s no bitch so he gladly fires the shot down only to immediately spit it out all over the floor. Now that’s comedy! He then did 20 more minutes. The Kid’s got heart.
Comedy is a lot of things but it is never boring. I make fun of Westminster but that’s what makes it all so fun. Every show is different; every crowd is a new story. So thank you Westminster for being you and thank you www.JonMumma.com for making it all worth the drive. I look forward to your next hour. The Liquid Cocaine is on me.

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