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Cattle mutilations and mashed potatoes

Lennonspaghetti"Kate Smith's Middle America"

It’s the holiday season when we tend to stretch our eating limits and the tinsel strength of our clothes.  If you want to curb your appetite and prevent yourself from having a shadow that’s heavy enough to open the supermarket’s automatic door take a trip to the Midwest and look at the humans clogging up our heartland.  I just got back from working in Minnesota and I couldn’t believe how rotund the people are.  Showing skin in Middle America means you burst a seam in your stretch pants. I’m pretty sure the lyric “Purple Mountain’s majesty” was not meant to be about someone in a lavender sweat suit.  They don’t even try to wear colors that are thinning or at least blended.  Let’s face it; the only way iridescent red blends in is if you’re standing in front of a fire. 

In the good old wheat belt an anorexic is considered anyone who gets liposuction to stuff themselves into their coveralls. Out there bulimics are overweight because they can’t fit their fat fingers down their throat. We’ve all read the reports about the mutilated cow bodies they’re finding in the Midwest.  Well, it’s not aliens.  No, the government is not telling you that next to the bodies they’re finding mashed potatoes.  

Between gigs an old friend invited me to his house for dinner.  My friend had no concept of nutrition. I tried to explain low fat doesn’t mean fat found on the lower part of a cow.  Before I could point out a food group it would disappear down their throat like an imploding volcano. When I politely expressed concern about my friend’s wife’s obesity he told me they put her on diet pills, which are amphetamine based, and all she did was eat faster.  I suggested if the were going to eat plates filled so high you have to stand  on a chair to see over them, they should exercise which slows down your pulse and puts less pressure on your heart.  They said their doctor was not concerned about slowing down their heart rate. They put on so many layers of fat he can’t even hear their hearts (if he’s lucky enough to find it).

It’s not just the adults that eat like alpha zombies chewing on the last person on earth. I was told that his baby son had such a powerful appetite as an infant when he was breastfed he choked on a bone.  I felt sorry for the lumpy kid. The tray on his high chair was the size of diving board and bent downwards from the weight of what appeared to be a fried elephant. I’ve heard rumors that when a Midwestern doctor delivers a baby the first thing he does is cut the umbilical chord to stop the infant from eating it and most babies are not only large, but their born with stretch marks around their mouth. I swear I saw a proud expectant father touch the stomach of his pregnant wife so he can feel the baby chewing.

The family ignored my health warnings and just chewed on and on and on and on.  I’ve never seen so much fattening chow as I did that night. Flies landed on the food and died of heart attacks. The one’s that didn’t die, just lay there trying to stick a wing down their throat.  When I asked for a napkin, before they passed it to me, they buttered it.  They stuffed so much food down their gullet they barely stopped to even chew. In fact they use the Heimlich maneuver quite often not because it’s a way to save a life, but it’s the only way they can have leftovers. I didn’t think they’d ever stopped eating. When they finally pushed themselves away from the table, it wasn’t on purpose; it was only because their bellies expanded during the meal. I was soon to find out that burping was considered after diner conversation.

Being concerned about the welfare of my friend’s family, as I was leaving, I asked him if he thought his wife should lose a few hundred pounds and he said, no, he’d just order a sofa she could fit on.  He missed my point, hey, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder even if it takes moving your head side to side to see all of her.  As I entered my car his wife waved goodbye to me holding a turkey leg in one hand and another in her mouth, and all I could imagine is that if she died and was cremated they’d still have to put her ashes in a coffin

Listen I’ve never been one to brag about being in great shape.  My doctor told me that my reflexes were so slow that if my heart stopped I’d die three weeks later.  The closest come to being cut (as muscle definition) means the marks from my belt digging into my waste.  But I really am concerned about the people in our heartland.  It’s definitely a danger to their health when you can see cellulite through a fur coat and on their arteries, and they seriously ask, “How do pigs stay so thin?” 

We have to do something about this. We have to stop our brothers and sisters not just for their own sake, but for all our children.  I think global warming is a direct result of people getting too fat, there’s no room for a breeze to flow through.  

So this holiday season when you’re about to start on your third, or fourth portion of turkey and mashed potatoes, stop and picture our fellow inflated Americans in the Middle America slicing a turkey in half and ask yourselves, “Do you want Stephen Hawking blaming our country’s waste size for the expanding universe.”

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